Teaching students how to compromise during a disagreement can be challenging. Finding resolutions to conflicts require relationship skills to help students remain calm and practice being kind, caring, and empathetic to another person’s point of view. One tip we teach students to help them work together and come to a compromise during a disagreement or conflict is called the Four C’s.
What are the Four C’s?
Come Together
When you are in a group and have to work with other people, you first have to come together with a common interest. A common interest means you are all working towards the same goal.
Example:
- Adult: “I can see you both want different things right now. Maya, you want to play soccer, and Jordan, you want to play on the swings. But what do you both want overall?”
- Kids: “We want to have fun!” / “We want to play together!”
- Adult: “Exactly! So your common interest is having fun together during recess. Now we know what we’re working toward. Let’s figure out how to make that happen.”
This step helps kids recognize that even when they disagree on the details, they often share the same underlying goal—whether it’s having fun, finishing a project, or being fair.
Compromise
Then, you have to compromise to find out what works and what won’t. You need to be flexible and adaptable in the decision-making process. For a compromise to be successful, you have to share your ideas and thoughts while also listening to others and being respectful of different points of view. As a group, you’ll try to find a way that you all can agree on.
Example:
- Adult: “Okay, Maya wants to play soccer and Jordan wants to use the swings. What are some ideas where you both get to do something you enjoy?”
- Maya: “Maybe we could play soccer first, then swings?”
- Jordan: “But recess isn’t that long. What if we don’t have time for swings?”
- Adult: “Good point, Jordan. What if you each got half the time? Or is there a game that uses both the field and the playground?”
- Jordan: “We could play tag! We can run everywhere.”
- Maya: “Or we could make up a game where we kick the ball and then run to the swings!”
- Adult: “I love how you’re both sharing ideas and listening to each other. Which one sounds good to both of you?”
This step teaches kids that compromise isn’t about one person winning—it’s about creativity, flexibility, and respecting everyone’s voice. The adult helps facilitate the conversation without dictating the solution.
Change
Next, you have to be willing to make a change, if necessary. You need to decide what is best, even if it wasn’t your idea or what you wanted to do.
This means letting go of “my way” and embracing “our way.”
Example:
- Adult: “So it sounds like you’ve decided to play tag together instead of soccer or swings. Maya, I know you really wanted to play soccer. How do you feel about this plan?”
- Maya: “It’s okay, I guess. Tag is still fun, and at least we’re playing together.”
- Adult: “I know it’s hard to be flexible. Jordan, you’re also changing your plan from swings. How are you feeling?”
- Jordan: “Yeah, I’m good with it. We can do swings tomorrow maybe.”
- Adult: “I’m proud of both of you for being willing to change your minds. That’s not always easy, but it shows you care more about playing together than getting exactly what you wanted.”
This step acknowledges that change can be hard and validates kids’ feelings while reinforcing that adaptability is a strength. The adult helps them recognize their own growth.
Celebrate
Once you make any changes and put your compromise into action, you should have a positive outcome. Everyone should feel good about the outcome in some way—maybe not perfect, but fair and respectful. Then, it’s time to celebrate!
Example:
- Adult (after recess): “How did your game of tag go?”
- Maya: “It was really fun!”
- Adult: “That’s amazing! You both came together, listened to each other, were willing to change your plans, and created something new that you both enjoyed. Give yourselves a high five—you just used the Four C’s! Next time you disagree about something, you’ll know exactly what to do. You’re becoming great problem-solvers!”
This final step reinforces the positive outcome and helps kids recognize their success. Celebration doesn’t have to be elaborate—it can be a high five, words of affirmation, or simply acknowledging that they worked well together. This builds confidence for future conflicts and teaches kids that disagreements can lead to creative solutions and stronger friendships.
What To Do When An Agreement Can’t Be Reached
Sometimes, even with the best effort, kids might not be able to find a compromise that works for everyone. That’s okay—it’s part of learning! If you’ve gone through the Four C’s and they’re still stuck, it might be time for an adult to step in with a solution.
This could mean taking turns on different days, drawing straws to decide fairly, or finding a completely different activity that no one has mentioned yet. The key is to validate their effort first: “I can see you both tried really hard to work this out together, and that’s something to be proud of. Sometimes we need a little extra help.”
Then, after presenting a solution, help them understand why it’s fair and remind them that they’ll have another chance to practice compromising next time. Not every conflict will be perfectly resolved by kids on their own, and that’s an important lesson too—sometimes we need support, and asking for help is a strength, not a failure.
Growing Through Compromise
Seeing the world through a lens of compromise and optimism helps everyone grow, nurture, and sustain positive relationships and friendships. When everyone can see each other as teammates working towards the same goal—instead of individuals only concerned with their own interests—those who disagree with us can be met with a calm voice and open mind.
Using the Four C’s, students can communicate, compromise, and have “win-win” attitudes with teachers and peers—helping to build the skills needed to create strong, supportive relationships with others.
