Active listening is a great way to get kids to open up. Knowing about difficulties in their academic life, as well as their lives outside school, is important to help point them in the best direction for appropriate help and support. A skilled active listener can help students to find their own way out of difficulties—which is even better as it increases their self-motivation.

When someone is listened to, they feel more respected than if they are spoken over or talked at. When you listen to your students, they feel that much more valued. And when they feel valued, they are more motivated to succeed.

Good communication skills include being tuned in to the speaker’s nonverbal behavior and emotions, and the deeper meanings of what they say. Active listening encompasses being nonjudgmental, with an emphasis on listening and not immediately solving the issue or problem.

What Is Dialoguing?

Dialoguing is a technique to use when a student is having a hard time managing their emotions. Dialoguing gives the student a chance to express how they are feeling and the validation of knowing a supportive adult has heard them.

Dialoguing is sometimes compared to reflective or active listening which involves listening to understand a speaker’s point, then offering that point back to the speaker to confirm your understanding. When dialoguing with students and other adults, we add two more steps—validating and empathizing.

• Mirror

• Validate

• Empathize

Mirror

The first step is to reflect back what the other person has said. This shows that you are truly listening and that what you heard is what the other person meant to say. When you mirror, it’s important to listen and not interrupt while the child is talking. You may think you understand how the child is feeling, but let them use their words while you listen patiently and attentively.

Repeat or paraphrase without adding your perspective or feelings. Start by using these phrases to let them know you were listening, and now you are processing and understanding what they’ve said:

• “It sounds like…”
• “I hear you saying that…”
• “So you’re saying…”  

For some kids, it can be challenging for them to put their thoughts and feelings into words. Be patient and curious. Repeat the process of reflecting what you heard and asking if there is more until the other person has said everything they need to say and until you think you understand.

Validate

Next, let them know that what they have said makes sense to you, even if you don’t agree with them. The purpose for doing this is to simply let them know you were listening, and that you understand their point of view. Ask for clarification if necessary. This could sound like:

• “I can understand why…”
• “That makes sense. I can see where…”
• “Can you tell me more about…”

Empathize

Finally, step into their shoes and try to imagine how they are feeling. Some students have a difficult time expressing and sharing their emotions, so tell them how much you appreciate them sharing. Empathizing with them helps to affirm their emotions and lets them know that you care about how they feel. Ask questions to confirm your understanding of what they have told you:

• “I imagine you might be feeling…”
• “I’m sensing you are feeling…”
• “Thank you for sharing your feelings. I understand it can be difficult…”
• “Is that how you feel?”

Final Action

There are several ways to conclude a dialoguing session with a student. Try some of these options:

• Direct and engage the child in a different activity.
• Allow the child some quiet time.
• Suggest a diversion such as getting a drink of water or going for a walk.
• Make it a teachable moment. For example, “When I feel angry, I take a deep breath and try to Reset and Relax. Does that work for you? What are some things you could do next time you feel angry?”

Tips For Effective Facilitation and Implementation

• Dialoguing takes time. Don’t rush the steps. It can be difficult for children to share their emotions. Many times, children are surrounded by busy adults and not always given the opportunity to express themselves. When they have a caring, attentive adult they might have a lot to say!
• If you don’t have time, you can send the child to someone who can have a dialogue with them or you can have someone else watch your group while you dialogue with the child.
• Dialoguing also works with staff, parents, and coworkers. Follow the steps to help build trust and reflect the fact that I’m human, you’re human.
• Dialoguing doesn’t mean you have to agree, it just means you “get it” and you care.

Everyone wants to be heard and validated. They also want to know their feelings matter to someone. When you mirror, validate, and empathize, you are supporting your students’ emotional needs and helping them learn to express themselves and manage their emotions in a healthy way.